So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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