god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
