Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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