I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
