Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Randomize
