I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Randomize
