yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
