i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Randomize
