Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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