I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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