Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
