so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
