all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
