Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
