apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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