i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
porn star boner night. come get it.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Randomize
