If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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