I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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