Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
