i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Randomize
