so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
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