I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Terrible idea I love it
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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