dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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