i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
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