recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
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