Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Randomize
