Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
