Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Randomize
