Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Randomize
