so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
