I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
