Hey man sorry I got all grabby
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
