3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
