mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Randomize
