I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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