I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
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