if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
