ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
