Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
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