so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
we need to get ahold of those "sexting" teens on tyra. HAWT!
wasnt one 13?
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
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It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
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Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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