At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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