cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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