so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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