My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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