Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
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