I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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