This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
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