I am midnight drunk by noon
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Rumble strips road head = magical
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Randomize
