cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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