Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Randomize
