woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
