Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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