I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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