Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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