I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
