peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
