dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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